Half Mast

I drove to work yesterday observing all the flags around the city half-mast for those sweet angels (adult victims included) in Newtown.

To tell the truth, I have felt very half-mast lately myself.

I am not sure what my deal is. I didn't feel like decorating for Christmas - and I blamed that on the massive sleep issues we were having with the new toddler bed situation.

Lee dug the tree out for me and I left it undecorated for a few days - seeing it as a daunting task rather than something joyful like usual.

So now, on top of any of our "issues" at home - the Newtown tragedy has just upped the feeling of dread following me around.

All I did on Sunday was cry. Cry at the breakfast table when the ESPN guys started talking about the shooting. Cried in Target while buying a 1 year old a birthday card and present. Cried while reading about one of the little boys who loves Mario and the color blue.
Bawled while Obama read the names.

Bawled in the parking lot after leaving my precious son at school Monday morning.

Last night, a helicopter was circling our neighborhood for over an hour and I was so anxious about what the hell that could even be about. I felt dread like I would see a man with a gun running down my street at any moment. It took forever for me to finally sleep.

Next week will mark the first Christmas since my step-sister passed away - and I am extremely worried for how my step father will handle it. While I wasn't super close with her (she lived in Tennessee) I am very close to him and my grief for him is overwhelming.

So I guess between sleep issue, family issues, and the grief I feel for those in Newtown - I am not feeling Holly Jolly or Merry and Bright.