Little Rain Cloud

Where have I been?

Under a little rain cloud it seems.

You know, I think all bloggers start out wanting to show the happy, good sides of their lives. Look, we got a new car! Look, we finished our remodel! Look, puppies!!

But rarely do you really see someone put out there the bad, hard stuff.

So, I have decided to just put it all out there and be an honest blogger.

6 weeks ago, Mr. Logan was born after a fairly eventful labor. Tons of fanfare. In fact, I am surprised there wasn't a parade.

Every day I am thankful and happy for this little boy. He is beautiful and perfect and sure keeps me guessing. Everyday he does something that makes me laugh.

But in all that happiness and thankfullness - there is the underlying stress and sleep deprivation that eventually takes it's toll.

In the last 2 weeks, it has really gotten out of hand for me.

Everything makes me cry.
Everything makes me stress.
I snap at my friends and family.
Every day seems to be harder, not easier.

And while I know the reason is because I don't sleep anymore, there still isn't much I can do to control how it affects me.

First, it has been discovered that Logan suffers (and boy do I mean suffer) from reflux. It was hard to figure out because isn't the kind of GERD baby that vomits and spits up a lot. In fact spit up isn't really all that common with him.

In a moment of desperation I called and hired a baby nurse for 1 day to help me. I wanted someone else to look at him and assess why he doesn't nap, why he doesn't sleep unless I hold him or sleep next to him on the guest bed.. why he fusses constantly. She held him for 10 minutes and said "this baby has silent reflux." The only noise he makes that really tells you is this odd squak/squeak after eating. He also screams after his bottles. He also coughs now and then. So add that to the bad bad bad sleeping and you have reflux.

At this point the pediatrician has put him on rice cereal in the bottle to see if that helps. He has had one bottle with the cereal and all I have noticed is that he has promptly passed out after he ate. I am guessing he is full! The idea is that his food is heavier so it doesn't reflux up anymore. If this doesn't work, he will have to go on meds. Either way, I want him to stop hurting. I cry when he cries. I cry because he cried. I cry because I am tired of the crying. Endless cycle.

Now, not knowing the cause, the lack of sleep was making me nuts. No matter what I tried, getting more than 20 minutes was impossible. Eventually I figured out that laying next to him on the guest bed (no fluffy pillows or blankets around) he would sleep and sleep and sleep. Now, this means I sleep too but not really because I stay in this consciousness that I can't roll over or re-situate because I don't want to roll on him. BUT it's better than sleeping sitting up or not sleeping because he is in his crib fussing.

However, it also means I don't sleep in my own bed, hardly ever, and that he isn't in the most recommended sleeping conditions. He needs to be in his crib/bassinet.

Today at my Dr, he talked with me and determined that I needed to be on something to "take the edge off." Basically to help me deal with the small anxiety of the day so that I am not always crying or snapping. He wants me to be able to deal with the big things (baby, husband, dogs, bills) and not focus so much on the little silly things. And to not react so strongly to the crying while we wait on his sleep and fussiness to get better so that I am sleeping.

It's hard. It's hard to admit that I am not supermom. I can't do it all. I can't be alone all day and all night (other than evenings when Lee is here and can help, but he needs sleep to go to work) with a crying baby. He wanted to catch me when I was more "advanced baby blues" and less PPD freaking out.
I can't be this tired anymore. It's beyond "tired new mom" - it's full on sleep deprivation. I need to be myself again and be a great mom, great wife, great friend, and great person.

There you go. It's out there. I am a new mom, I needed help, and I am not perfect.