Thursday, November 3, 2011

Grocery Store People

Last week - after seeing the People of Starbucks post, Donald and I discussed other places you see interesting groups of people. Where else but the Grocery Store? This is a little something he wrote up, and check his non-facts out at Made Up History!

Grocery stores seem to be this interesting nexus where people just LOSE THEIR F***ING MINDS.


Literally – it’s like the second they cross the barrier from the street into the parking lot, they dump their brain into the trunk of their car, and forget about it completely until they get back on the street to go home.

In the meantime…let’s go over a couple of ground-rules.

1.      Get off your phone.  Unless you need to call someone with a grocery-related question, the phone causes you to walk slowly, wander aimlessly (frustrating people trying to get around you, or stuck behind you), and I don’t need to hear the details of your last doctor’s visit.

2.      Don’t park your cart in the middle of the aisle.

3.      Your family is not a solar system – your children shouldn’t be orbiting your cart in an expanding circle, until they’re bouncing off the shelves and blocking the aisle.  You also don’t need to bring your entire family to do shopping.  Simply get their requests at home and bring your own self (maybe one friend/family member for company).

4.      Bump my heels more than once, I reserve the right to thump you in the head.

5.      If you’re taking an extended period of time to choose a product, do NOT glare at me when I say “excuse me” and reach in front of you for something on the shelf.

6.      Don’t tsk or make noises at people who are buying items you disagree with.  Alcohol, meat, non-organic…whether or not you buy these items is your personal choice…making a noise in the store is not going to persuade me.  In fact, I might just buy more of that product, on the spot.  And I promise you, if you try to come between me and my beer or food, you’re losing a limb.

And the self-checkout…ohhhhhhhhh, it’s a whole new adventure:

1.      Don’t walk past the line (there’s always a line) and then act surprised when people “ahem” at you and direct you to the end of the line.  “Ohhh, there’s a line?” is not cute – what did you think we were doing standing here…getting into formation to conga dance through the store??

2.      Don’t get in the self-checkout if you have more than fifteen items.  Treat it like the express lane.

3.      If you have no (or minimal) experience with computers or video games, GET THE HELL BACK TO A CASHIER.  Self checkout is not voice-activated, and it doesn’t have levers – it involves mashing a computer screen.  

Seriously, the goal of self-checkout is “I only have a couple of items, so this should be quick”.  If your purchase might jack with this system, get to the express lane. 
And people *in* the line, quit grumbling and making noises.  The self-checkout abusers either can’t hear you from that distance, and they probably don’t care anyway.  Unless you’re prepared to put your money where your mouth is and go push them out of the way, hush it.  Granted, if you DID go push the self-checkout abusers out of the way, you’d get a round of applause from those of us stuck in line with you.
Basically – use some common sense, be aware that you’re in a public space with other people (it’s not your own personal store), and be considerate.  Otherwise, you’re a Grocery Store Assclown. 

- Management


Donald said...

Oh no, now the word "assclown" has gone public! :P

Next up - the People of the Road!

Chloe said...

Loooove this!
It's so funny that I find the same kind of people here in Spain! haha

Holly said...

I am stunned by #6! People actually do this!? Seriously!? :O