Look, I get it. There is this whole stipulation written in an unknown land that we ladies have to go through crazy bodily issues every. single. month.
Being pregnant was actually a welcome break from the monthly debacle of bodily changes and crazy mood swings. Plus I could eat what I wanted 90% of the time and always felt great about it.
This month, 11 months after giving birth, I am experiencing the worst wrath from that bitch Mother Nature than I have in many years. I woke up yesterday feeling like this
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| EFF UUUUUUUUUUUU! |
Then I tried putting on pants and felt like someone had swapped out all my clothing to play a trick on me. I know I didn't gain 15 pounds overnight. It made me feel even more empathy for the possibly-pregnant-photos of Jennifer Aniston that were going around last month:
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| PMS is a bitch, y'all. |
It doesn't help that in the midst of feeling
like a fattened up hog this way, I only crave pasta and brownies. This makes me think of the Midol commercial where the one girl says "I would kill for a brownie!" and her bitch friend says "Oh yeah, you are menstrual!" What? If anyone I knew, hell even my own mother, said that to me, I would promptly punch them in the neck and then eat that brownie over their unconscious body.
Later in the day, I started having cramps that made me think I was having contractions and that I was now one of those freaks that accidentally squirts out a baby while on the toilet.
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| HOLY SHIT! It's not just GAS! |
However, you are supposed to welcome your monthly flow with pretty tampon packages, right?
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| New! Glittery vag! |
They even sell plush toys in the shape of uterus's these days. Why? I have no flippin' idea.
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| Come on, gimme a hug! |
I can tell you this - never in my several umpteen years of going through this have I seen a pretty jeweled heart emerge from my body. In fact, if you did a MRI of my innards, I am sure you would find this:
So, in conclusion - Mother Nature can SUCK IT.
Now, I will have a brownie.
7 comments:
I'm not going to ask if I can have one of those brownies. I know how this goes.
Also, if ostriches had teeth like that, I can categorically guarantee they wouldn't be picked on. Ever.
Feel better. Get drunk. Same thing.
Ug. Who would have thought of such a "toy?" Weird. I hope you feel better soon. I completely understand. I have endometriosis, and for years it has been under control. The last couple of months, though, has been torture. Hang in there, and enjoy your brownie!
Hang in there, sweetie!
:)
{hugs}
The packaging is suppose to make you happy! ...such idiots, right?
If the plush version is what a uterus looked like, then I might actually be interested in seeing one up close and personal.
However, I'm believing it looks more like version #2 (RAWR edition). :P
Brownie up! Wine in 10 hours.
Donald, up close and personal. HA.
Donald, if you are getting up close and personal to a uterus, we have a whole host of other issues.
Josh - yeah that is a freaky photo which would make a great documentary...
Karen & Chloe - I am doing good, it made me feel better to just get it out there that I was a tad fed up!
Em - right? Pretty packaging does NOTHING to ease my issues. It really makes me a little angry...
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