Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Mother Nature can suck it

Look, I get it. There is this whole stipulation written in an unknown land that we ladies have to go through crazy bodily issues every. single. month.

Being pregnant was actually a welcome break from the monthly debacle of bodily changes and crazy mood swings. Plus I could eat what I wanted 90% of the time and always felt great about it.

This month, 11 months after giving birth, I am experiencing the worst wrath from that bitch Mother Nature than I have in many years. I woke up yesterday feeling like this

Then I tried putting on pants and felt like someone had swapped out all my clothing to play a trick on me. I know I didn't gain 15 pounds overnight. It made me feel even more empathy for the possibly-pregnant-photos of Jennifer Aniston that were going around last month:
PMS is a bitch, y'all.

It doesn't help that in the midst of feeling like a fattened up hog this way, I only crave pasta and brownies. This makes me think of the Midol commercial where the one girl says "I would kill for a brownie!" and her bitch friend says "Oh yeah, you are menstrual!" What? If anyone I knew, hell even my own mother, said that to me, I would promptly punch them in the neck and then eat that brownie over their unconscious body.

Later in the day, I started having cramps that made me think I was having contractions and that I was now one of those freaks that accidentally squirts out a baby while on the toilet.

HOLY SHIT! It's not just GAS!
However, you are supposed to welcome your monthly flow with pretty tampon packages, right?
New! Glittery vag!
They even sell plush toys in the shape of uterus's these days. Why? I have no flippin' idea.
Come on, gimme a hug!
I can tell you this - never in my several umpteen years of going through this have I seen a pretty jeweled heart emerge from my body. In fact, if you did a MRI of my innards, I am sure you would find this:
So, in conclusion - Mother Nature can SUCK IT.

Now, I will have a brownie.



Joshua said...

I'm not going to ask if I can have one of those brownies. I know how this goes.

Also, if ostriches had teeth like that, I can categorically guarantee they wouldn't be picked on. Ever.

Feel better. Get drunk. Same thing.

Karen Greenberg said...

Ug. Who would have thought of such a "toy?" Weird. I hope you feel better soon. I completely understand. I have endometriosis, and for years it has been under control. The last couple of months, though, has been torture. Hang in there, and enjoy your brownie!

Chloe said...

Hang in there, sweetie!

em said...

The packaging is suppose to make you happy! ...such idiots, right?

Donald said...

If the plush version is what a uterus looked like, then I might actually be interested in seeing one up close and personal.

However, I'm believing it looks more like version #2 (RAWR edition). :P

Diane Haynes said...

Brownie up! Wine in 10 hours.

Donald, up close and personal. HA.

Breann said...

Donald, if you are getting up close and personal to a uterus, we have a whole host of other issues.
Josh - yeah that is a freaky photo which would make a great documentary...
Karen & Chloe - I am doing good, it made me feel better to just get it out there that I was a tad fed up!
Em - right? Pretty packaging does NOTHING to ease my issues. It really makes me a little angry...