Monday, September 10, 2012

No Namastay For You

Last week I ventured to Yoga with Sarah, Donald, Dwyn, and a few others. This was my first experience at an actual studio. Otherwise I have taken a Yoga-Pilates class at 24 hour fitness (which I enjoyed very much) and a few yoga DVD's.

One of the first things that popped in my mind when I walked in the room was "where's the damn air in this place?" See, this wasn't Bikram or "hot" yoga - just plain ole Beginner's. I was looking for the A/C the entire 15 minutes before class started...

Looking around, Dwyn noticed that of all the people we knew in the room that hung out together, we are normally drinking - not Yoga-ing. It would not have taken much convincing to get me out of there to the nearest wine establishment. However, this was not what happened.

Here is my timeline of how I felt the entire ONE HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES of "Beginners" Yoga.

First Impression of the instructor: Woah. That's some frizzy hair. Poor thing has been standing in this hot ass room all day I bet. What's with the polka dot tights? I'm dizzy and we haven't even started yet.

10 Minutes in: Hawaiian music? This makes me want alcohol even more.

15 Minutes in: I'm confused. Sarah looks confused. The chick behind us hasn't left Child's pose in at least 2 poses.

20 Minutes in: OMG it's only been 20 minutes. How do we do this for an hour? Next time Donald throws his leg up in the air like that I am going to knock him over. Rightfully so.

30 Minutes in: Sarah! WHERE IS THE CHARDONNEY?! Next week I am shoving an ice pack between my boobs because it it like Niagara falls in this sports bra.

35 Minutes: She just told us that envisioning the moves is almost as good as actually doing them. If that's the case I am staying home next week, drinking wine, and envisioning myself doing this shit.

45 Minutes in: The instructor is not explaining anything and keeps speaking in geeky, yoga-ese. If it's a Boat Pose, call it that. Not ioheounasuhuen.

50 Minutes: Wait turn to the left or right? I just turned the opposite way of my neighbor and now we are locked eyes in fear.

55 Minutes: I think we need to check on that girl in Child's Pose. She is either sleeping (good idea) or dead... The instructor has asked us to pose our hands to look like a "flame." Lady, that is not a flame. That's a vagina.

Last 15 Minutes: we are just laying here listening to ukeleles and envisioning vaginas flames on the ceiling tile. I am envisioning myself punching Donald in the throat. Screw this Groupon....

Afterwards - as I stand up and look at Sarah she says "Save it!!" We role the mats and high tail it out of there. Everyone said this chick was terrible. Apparently my next class should be better.

As for the chick in Child's pose? She seemed to be ok. Come to think of it, she looked quite well-rested...



Donald said...

OMG, there is no way to state how much that girl's class does *not* compare to Jessica's.
It was bad.

Jessica's class is awesome - you'll come out of it having worked out hard, but feeling relaxed and energized.
Nicole's Saturday class is also really good.

Both of them use regular English phrases for the poses, and then refer to the Hindi/Yoga name, so it's easier to understand what the group is supposed to be doing.

Still very sorry that *that* class was your first one. Bad timing!

OKinUK said...

I think you need this tanktop:

Diane Haynes said...

That was funny. I can see why you would want to punch Donald in the throat!

Sarah said...

Seriously though. SO. BAD. Tonight will be better. Also - 'Like' to whoever posted that awesome tank top. We can make them, I'm not spending $22.